Love plus work: it’s an emotional minefield

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dramatic comedy you hurt my feelings revolves around what seems like a small event. Beth, a New York writer played by Julia Louis-Dreyfus, overhears her husband say that she doesn’t like the manuscript of her novel. “I will never be able to look him in the face again,” she says, completely hurt.

My initial reaction to the film written and directed by Nicole Holofcener was, “He’s lucky!” Not because it was, to use the jargon of the day, a first world problem, something Beth acknowledges. “I know the whole world is falling apart,” she says. “But this is my world. My little narcissistic world.

But because she did a job that her spouse could understand. Many office jobs are opaque to outsiders, and certainly to some of those who do them. in the tv series Friends, the mystery of Chandler Bing’s profession is a running joke. “Something to do with numbers,” Rachel guesses on a quiz, before settling on “transponster!”. “That’s not even a word!” Monica answers. Her mood resonates darkly.

Another common challenge that the film’s central character, Beth, avoids is that by working on a solo project, she doesn’t have to map out personalities and processes in the workplace. Office politics only interests the people involved in the intrigue. And trying to keep up can be surprising.

However, I suspect there has been more understanding because of the lockdowns, which have forced people to inhabit the administrative worlds of their partners. some took social media to share their revelations. “My husband found out I’m the person saying ‘let’s make sure this is branded’ and he’s a bit horrified,” wrote one woman. “I also learned that HE is the guy who says ‘Okay, we’ll work out the details when I call you about this later.'”

Holofcener’s film highlights an important professional issue: the support of a partner. “The most important professional decision you will make is who to marry and what kind of relationship you will have,” he says. Money and love: a smart road map for life’s most important decisions one of the few books on the subject, published this year.

It’s more than finances, dividing up childcare and housework. When Blake Dustin Mathias, a professor of entrepreneurship at Indiana University’s Kelley School of Business, researched the impact of spouses on entrepreneurs, he found “emotional support [was] critics” more than tangible assets, including money, he told me.

This theme comes up frequently in sessions with Kate Franklin, executive coach. However, she says few clients know what that assistance is like because it is so private. “Those who have spousal support won’t say, ‘I’m lucky.’ He’s conceited.” Some of the behaviors Mathias identified among entrepreneurial partners seem broadly applicable—such as empathizing with challenges, listening, celebrating milestones, and offering distractions—particularly during low times or when experiencing loneliness at the top.

Love plus work add up to an emotional minefield. Couples in the same industry may understand the substance of the job, provide networking or job opportunities, but other pressures come into play that can lead to jealousy. An actor friend observes that “misery loves company”; however, if one’s career improves and he is successful, the other “may be devastated.”

For Beth in you hurt my feelings, an existential question arises: can her husband love her if he does not respect her work? May require partners to agree to long-term ambitions. Or, as my actor friend says, understand that the periods handing out flyers in the park dressed as a chicken are steps.

Respect is a theme that comes up in therapy sessions with Philippa Richardson, founder of The Circle Line, which provides therapy to corporate clients. It applies not only to artists and creatives but also to lawyers, chefs, and businessmen whose self-esteem may depend on their career. “It’s like they forget everything they are,” she says, advising people to see themselves as more than their job.

The belief that a partner does not respect your work may also reflect your own feelings. This was the case with Chandler Bing in Friendswho eventually changed jobs after admitting he wasn’t happy.

Sometimes leaving your partner is the solution. And here is some good news. Recent research on people going through a divorce found that many believed it hurt their work. However, a surprisingly large number (39 percent) felt that it had “a positive impact. . .[freeing]gain time and energy” and amplify motivation.

Sometimes self-sufficiency wins.

emma.jacobs@ft.com